Fully Automated Cult

The system’s rigged, so why not rig it in your favor?

So you’re trying to land that sweet tech gig but, let’s face it, your resume is about as thin as your patience for HR people. Don’t worry, you don’t need actual experience—just a little algorithm trickery and some creative portfolio faking. We’re about to turn your “meh” into “hire me now.” Let’s make you irresistible to those ATS bots and foolproof for recruiters who barely know how to turn on their laptops.

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STEP 1: Gaming the ATS (Applicant Tracking System)

You think a human is reading your resume? LOL, no. The robots took over hiring a long time ago. An ATS scans your resume for keywords and decides if you’re worthy of an actual person’s time. Here’s how you turn that around and become the bot whisperer.

A. Keyword Stuffing Without Looking Like a Spammer

HR managers love their corporate buzzwords. And so do the ATS bots. If your resume doesn’t have the magic words they’re looking for, it’s going into the digital trash.

Here’s what you do:

1. Copy the job description and paste it into a word cloud generator (like WordClouds.com). The bigger the word, the more important it is.
2. Take those big, juicy keywords and sprinkle them all over your resume. Don’t just dump them in a list though, we’re here to fool a bot, not look like one.
   • Example: Instead of saying “Fixed bugs,” you say “Optimized software by identifying and resolving critical bugs in a production environment.”
3. Focus on action verbs that sound like you’re a tech genius with 8 arms. Words like “architected,” “implemented,” “engineered,” and “optimized” are music to an ATS bot’s silicon ears.

B. Tailoring Your Resume for Each Application (With Minimum Effort)

Let’s be real, no one’s got time to actually rewrite their resume for every single application. The trick is to automate:

1. Set up a base resume with all your best lies—I mean, achievements. Keep it generic but flexible.
2. For each job, CTRL+F the key skills in the job description and make sure they appear in your resume.
3. Don’t forget to list software you’ve never used but can Google when you get the job. You haven’t touched Docker? Who cares? You’ll figure it out when they give you a login.

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STEP 2: Faking an IT Portfolio That Looks Legit

So your resume is keyword-loaded and ATS-optimized, but what about when they ask for “examples of your work”? Don’t worry, we’re building a fake IT portfolio that makes it look like you were born coding in the Matrix.

A. Build the Portfolio Website (Fake It ‘Til You Make It)

Don’t panic—you don’t need to code this yourself. Go grab a free template from GitHub or Wix and slap your name on it like you’re a web design genius.

What to include:

1. Fake Projects That Sound Real:
   • “Optimized cloud infrastructure for a multinational company.” (Translation: you read a blog post about AWS once).
   • “Led a migration from on-prem servers to cloud-based solutions.” (Reality: You’ve seen that migration meme on Twitter).
   • “Developed a containerized microservices architecture for a SaaS platform.” (Okay, calm down Docker newbie).
2. Real-ish Repositories: Scrape some open-source repos and modify them slightly—like change the readme, tweak some code here and there. Push that bad boy to your GitHub and link it proudly.

B. Screenshots Are Your New Best Friend

They won’t dig into your GitHub code anyway—most recruiters think Git is some kind of fantasy creature. So what do they love? Screenshots. Make it look like your projects are shiny and done by screenshotting random terminal windows or dashboards. Throw them up on your fake portfolio with some buzzwords like “React-powered API interface” or “Automated CI/CD pipeline deployment.”

C. Testimonials (From Your Imaginary Clients)

No portfolio is complete without glowing testimonials. And guess what? They don’t need to be real. You’re not asking a recruiter to check references, you’re just giving them warm and fuzzy feelings.

Example:

• “John was a game changer for our infrastructure. His ability to streamline our processes using Kubernetes was mind-blowing. – CEO, TotallyNotAFakeCorp”
• “We couldn’t have achieved our Q4 goals without Jane’s incredible data analysis skills. Her Python scripts saved us 40% in costs.” – CTO, WeSwearWe’reReal Inc.”

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STEP 3: Sell the Illusion in the Interview

You’ve gamed the ATS, your fake portfolio is a digital masterpiece, and now the recruiter is on the line, thinking you’re God’s gift to IT. Time to double down on the BS.

A. Memorize a Few Buzzword-Rich Sentences

When they ask you about your “experience migrating to the cloud”, you throw out something like:

• “I utilized AWS S3 buckets for scalable storage, implemented EC2 instances with autoscaling groups, and secured the environment with IAM policies. We cut costs by 30% while improving reliability.”

Boom. They don’t even know what that means, but it sounds expensive and important.

B. Redirect Hard Questions

When they ask something technical you don’t actually know, redirect like a pro:

• “You know, that’s a great question, but in my last role, the priority was really on optimizing CI/CD pipelines. I’d love to bring those skills to your team.”

You dodge the bullet, and now they’re thinking about how your fake skills apply to their real problems.

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STEP 4: When You Get the Job, Learn Fast (Or Just Fake It More)

Once you’ve BS’d your way into the role, you’ve got two options: learn the job fast (YouTube is your best friend), or, and this is the pro move, keep faking it. Set up Google Alerts for every tech term you don’t understand, skim Stack Overflow during meetings, and outsource anything tricky to the poor intern.

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tl;dr: Stuff your resume with keywords to game the ATS, build a fake portfolio full of fake projects, throw in some fake testimonials, and learn enough buzzwords to crush the interview. Who needs real experience when you can talk a big game?

Now go get that tech job, and remember—you didn’t get this from me.